Anxious.
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Anxious.
Some reflections on anxiety this week - which could apply to any emotional or inner state of being.
I’ve been feeling anxious for the last few days. There’s various worries and stresses that have manifested at the same time and I’ve found myself in a state that I haven’t experienced for years.
Thankfully, it is a rare occurrence but that hasn’t lessened the impact.
Anxiety can bring a range of different emotions with it - for me, it has been a sense of dread and fear, and fleeting moments of feeling unsafe.
I’ve heard it described as feeling like you’re coming apart, no longer a whole or coherent person. That’s how I’ve experienced it. Moments of feeling like the foundations of my being are trembling.
Whereas fear can be an entirely necessary and healthy response to a real and present threat (facing an angry animal), anxiety is typically felt in relation to some wider, broader, future-focussed sense of danger (I might lose my job and my house).
Fortunately, although these feelings have been deeply unpleasant for me, they’ve also been relatively mild. They’ve affected my mood but have had little impact on carrying on with my life. I feel lucky.
I have the benefit of various practices, learning and awareness that have been cultivated over many years. The most important of these is the simplest: being aware of what I am feeling.
Whereas years ago, I might have felt feelings similar to this and denied them or attempted to repress them, making them worse, now the most instinctive and important practice I have is to recognise that I’m feeling something.
There are many different ways to work with our inner experiences - therapy, coaching, breath work, meditation, journalling, yoga, art and many others.
All or any of these can provide succour and growth - but being able to recognise and explore what we are feeling is the single most important practice to cultivate, because we must notice and accept our present situation exists before we have any hope of changing it.
In our monthly men’s community gathering this week, we discussed mental health. It was noticeable that no-one was sharing quick fixes or pontificating on what one must do when having a difficult time.
In fact, what was shared were perspectives on better understanding what we are feeling, and in doing so, what others might be feeling. It was about building a stronger and healthier relationship with our own emotions.
There is much popular messaging about people opening up and sharing their emotions, and there is value to this. To open up though, it helps to have some literacy with our feelings - to be able to be truthful with ourselves first.
Whilst this literacy isn’t an essential precursor to telling someone how we’re feeling or if we’re struggling, it is a practice and trait that serves us endlessly, giving us the resilience and skill over time to navigate difficult situations and emotions in the moment.
So when I woke up on Saturday morning feeling this existential dread, I was also witnessing it from another part of myself. Psychologists refer to this as as subject-object relationship, many spiritual traditions refer to this simply as awareness.
Because of the gap between these two places, it was a deep, comforting relief to know that I wasn’t completely submerged in my anxiety. Some other part of me was firmly anchored to shore, aware of what was happening and, albeit briefly at first, reminding me that everything was ok. There was no real danger.
I’m reminded of stories of psychedelic guides who sit with people. Occasionally, with a strong enough dosage, people can experience a ‘bad trip’ in which they might believe that they’re in real danger, a belief that is entirely false.
I heard of someone who said in sheer terror to their guide “I’m think I’m going to die!” To which the guide simply smiled, stroked their arm and said “I know. It’s ok”. A few hours later of course, they were ok. It was all imagined, a fabrication of the mind.
Practicing and developing this awareness helps us to remember that everything we are experiencing is imagined, a kind of hallucination or dream. Our worst periods of emotional turmoil always pass.
I recently heard a story relating to Buddha and an evil figure called Mara, who represents the shadow in Buddhist scripture. Mara brings doubt and fear to us, undermining our capacity to relieve suffering.
The story, first widely used by Thich Nhat Hanh, is metaphorical and used to demonstrate a particular central teaching. It goes something like this:
One day, the Buddha is delivering a teaching in a field when one of his loyal attendants, Ananda, becomes animated and upset. “Mara is here, Mara is here!” he exclaims in fear. “We must flee!”.
Mara is dancing nearby with all of the evil intent and shadow qualities that he brings.
“I see you Mara.” says the Buddha calmly. He beckons to Mara. “Come. Come and sit with me here.” And Mara does.
The Buddha offers him a soft cushion, and in some tellings, they drink tea together. Mara stays for a while and then goes, but throughout the Buddha is undisturbed by his presence.
The story is told to illustrate the notion that we must neither flee nor fight what we find difficult or troubling, but learn to sit with it.
Mara is another part of us, the emotional states and feelings we find difficult and that come without permission. In avoiding or striving to fight these feelings, we only create more suffering. We should instead invite Mara in.
This, of course, takes practice and skill. It takes work to develop equanimity in this way. For me, this is certainly a work in progress, probably a lifetime’s work.
What has been of great comfort recently though is my ability to share how I’m feeling with my wife, family and close friends, and to not feel the shame and embarrassment that would have prevented me from doing so only a few years ago.
This too, has come with much, much practice. It is the curse of our modern culture that there is so much that causes us angst and, at the same time, tells us it is wrong to feel what we feel.
May we all build a better relationship with ourselves and the lasting equanimity that can bring.
“By thoughts, or mental words, we distinguish or “make” things. Without thoughts, there are no “things”; there is just undefined reality.”
- Alan Watts
Tipping Point: sharing information on the climate crisis
Climate anxiety is real and growing. There are some people doing great work to help us through this. We’re never alone in what we’re dealing with.
About me.
I’m a coach, consultant and facilitator living in Berlin.
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At the heart of my work is helping individuals and organisations to make sense of who they are and the world around them. You can find out more about my coaching work here and my work with men & masculinity here.